Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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