Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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