ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
