mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
