i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
