lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
