oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
