you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
