tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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