i would punch a child for taco bell
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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