just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
