i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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