if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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