I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
