I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
only if we run a train.
done.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
