my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
