i just wanna soil my oats bro
you mean i was at the winter classic?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
