So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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