She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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