So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
