meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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