I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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