i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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