I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
