Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
