I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
