When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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