I faked an abortion last night.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
