dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I could have mohawked her pubes.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
