We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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