I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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