STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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