I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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