just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
