apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
