You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
