woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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