im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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