I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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