I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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