she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
tequila makes me forget i have legs
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You were trust falling into bushes
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
