I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
