threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
