Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
