I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
