wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
