the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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