how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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