I got chris browned last night
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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