just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
